Ashes

December 18, 2010

To ashes, and once more to dust

We consecrate you, here entrust

You to unending sea

And to eternity

Swallow hard.  Soldier on.  As we must.

Changes

July 8, 2010

Turns out I'm still not great at blogging everyday.

I could be.

But so far I've chosen to not be.

Meh, I still going to plan on doing it everyday,

and working towards that end,

but it's not nearly as important to me as exercising every day.

Also, you may notice I changed the look of my blog for the first time.

I did that because I realized that

though I originally really liked the look of it,

it no longer reflected who I'm becoming.

The original black scheme was about hiding and denial.

I strive now to be about light and truth.

I also replaced my black and white "head in my hands" picture of myself I had as my profile shot.

I did that also because it's no longer who I am anymore.

That was about being hopeless, and some "why me?" victimization,

and immaturely romanticized drama.

I strive now to be about success, self-accountability, and moderation.

Sibling Rivalry

December 31, 2010

I decided my kids could use a little time with their grandparents
over the holiday break
and I could use a little time in a house
that I wasn't responsible for cleaning.

It's a little like being in hotel
except the management also plays with the kids while I read.
Win-win, no?

Except that my plan was to stay for two nights
and then head home
and we're on night number four
and it's looking like it will be Sunday before we're able to head out
due to the insane weather in the midwest.

I read a quote somewhere that says
worrying is like rocking in a rocking chair,
you can do both all night and still never get anywhere.
This is something that I've tried very hard to keep in my mind over the years
and it really has helped me to manage stress differently,
yet I'm finding that it's much harder to push these worries aside
when the largest cause has her toes curled around my bottom rib

...I look forward to seeing what 2011 brings
as far as baby and family and jobs and everything else we have planned
and I hope to hear more about your year to come.

Goodbye 2010, we had a good run.

Piles

September 13, 2010

It’s A Wonderful Life

That, my friends, is the title of my all time favorite Christmas movie that stars Jimmy Stewart.

It’s been a Christmas tradition for me to try watching it each and every year at Christmas time...

Okay I know that it’s a little early for Christmas for most folks

but for me it’s Christmas everyday

LOL

Actually, this year I can draw a little comparison to ol’ George Bailey.

I’ve been facing some adversity

and to tell you the truth

the challenges have been literally piling on one after another,

after another...

We’ll try to do the right thing for everyone

but sometimes the right thing is not the best thing,

however, therein lies the challenge.

It’ll be a balancing act but hey what’s life

without a little challenge, right...

Technological Malfunction

January 5, 2010

Hello.....

it has been too long.

In fact

it has been ridiculously long.

My camera has been unable to download pictures for months now

and it has made me a bad blogger.

I am living in California now.

I get to help raise my niece and it is AMAZING!

It is my favorite part of my life right now.

The Break Up

August 23, 2009

That's what they say, anyway...
all good things must come to an end.
Does this always have to be true?

For those of you who have followed my blog for a while,
I'm sure you know about my partner, Andrew (thebuxstophere).
We'd been together for almost 7 years.
That good thing came to an end this week.
We'd been having our issues for a while,
but were taking steps to work on those.
(or so I thought)...

Unfortunately, issues that started out as minor
were allowed to go unresolved between us
and grew into larger problems
to the point where they just couldn't be fixed...

I've learned a lot from Andrew
and I know he has learned a lot from me.
Am I sad by our breakup?
Of course,
but I know the process of healing has to take place for both of us
and after we've had our recovery time,
I think we'll both look back at the past 7 years as a wonderful
and very valuable experience for us both
that neither of us will ever forget.

The one thing I am regretful of
is the fact that
due to circumstances
around the end of our relationship,
we will never be able to be friends
or even speak to each other again
for reasons we are both aware of...

Must all good things end?
No. ALL good things do not end.
Some do, but not all.
Things that end are always replaced
by the beginning of something else.
Sometimes it's just difficult
and takes a while to see it.

I'm baaack

December 13, 2010

Dipp'n my toes back in the blog world!



Lists

December 6, 2009

things i am going to do on christmas break

1. work.

2. work.

3. work some more.

4. drink exorbitant amounts of tea and coffee.

5. watch a lot of the history channel and fox news and csi miami,

 until i get dizzy and all the blood drains from my head when i stand up.

6. play in the snow.

7. sit at panache to read for fun instead of homework.

8. sleeeeeeeep.

9. spend more time with Jesus that is not related to homework.

10. make ginger snaps.

11. play at the cafe with on the moon without a paddle.

12. find something exciting to do on new years eve.

13. work. :)

14. have office/cookie dough nights with jordan.

15. go to old chicago with zack.

16. get ahead on new testament for spring semester.

17. go running.

18. get a hold of a road bike.

19. go to my old community college and get one of their lattes.

20. go roller skating at peoria palace.

what i am doing right now

1. procrastinating reading ezekiel.

the end.

The Start

May 19, 2010

wow. it's been a while.

i don't even think i'm the same person i was when i posted last!

so much has happened to me

and so much about who i am has changed.

i have so much going on in my head and heart

so much of the time now that it's hard to sort through.

and nothing bad, really.

it's all mostly good stuff!

just life stuff that i'm learning and living through.

such as wanting to go get certified in breastfeeding counseling,

childbirth education,

and being a doula.

such as being a mom of two beautiful children

and what that means - to them and me.

such as learning what the lord wants of me as a wife,

mom,

daughter,

friend.

learning how to live without some people

and how to accept new ones.

i think about writing a lot

but never have the time.

or when i do have the time, i get a brain block

and can't think of where to start!

but i guess this is a start!

Practicalities

August 9, 2010

I'm sure most of you have read my post at Tea With Ren,

about the fact that Bleu and I are in the process of separating our lives.

There's so much to say,

so much I want to write about,

yet when things get difficult

I tend to stop writing as much...

Change is a constant in this life.

I've learned to embrace most of it,

to be with it and know that

what it leads to will be cloaked for some time.

There are great things around the next corner....

I suppose it's that feeling of excitement

and mystery

that make me want to keep doing more in this life.

For now,

packing and remembering the past are enough.

Long Beach and the Queen Mary are on the bucket list!

Practicalities should never get in the way of a dream. :)

Rewarding

November 18, 2010

Saw this on a friend's page.

Let's take a break from being fabulous designers

and do this just for fun.

It's a contest to design the worst logo ever.

Click on the 'Logo Gallery' to see some of the submissions.

They are hilarious.

Lot's of comic sans.

There is a reward.

The End

June 18, 2010

I've been putting off writing about the end,

not just the end of the PCT,

but the end of the blog.

The end of anything isn't as fun as the beginning.

In fact, the beginning is the most fun of all.

The possibilities,

the potential,

the unknown...

As for the blog.

I have simply run out of things to say.

Originally this was a place to communicate with all of you,

as well as put in a permanent place a record of events

which were adventures for me.

While grad school will be an adventure,

I'm going to use up all my words writing papers,

debating classmates (you know I will!)

and talking with all of you in person,

on the phone

or in emails!

I may still occasionally post photos or write something,

but I don't know what the future of this space will be.

So I want to say thank you now to everyone who has been a part of it.

Whether you stopped by once

(in which case you probably aren't reading this),

or have checked in regularly, thank you.

See you around the bend...

Next Blog

There's a button, at the top of my blogger window that says, "Next Blog". I started clicking it one day and quickly became fascinated by how many blogs were dead - but still alive, still there. A brain dead organism in the middle of a really crowded space. I then discovered that these ghost blogs fall into one of two categories.


One group made a conscious choice to walk away and announced it with some sort of explanation.

November 16, 2009

there are certain people who judge me

as a mother by what I do

(and do not)

write,

so I will no longer be posting on this blog,

thank you very much.

The other group seemingly vanished overnight. One day they're talking about an upcoming trip, just the sort of thing they would cover on their blog replete with pictures of tan and healthy people jumping from airplanes and sailing the South Pacific, and then nothing. Not one word for months, years.

June 12, 2010

I had a conversation with Marion.

She was mean.

But I told her she was better than that.

They are all accidental poetry. And a little bit of mystery. I suppose the mysteries might be solved by reading backward on their blog, but I don't plan on doing that. I don't really feel like it's my business. And there's my conundrum.

I want to share these last entries with other people. I want to blog about these ghost blogs. But I am not sure if it's right to do so. They are still out there in the public domain, and this definitely falls under fair use, so I don't think there is anything legally wrong with it, but morally...these people are done blogging. Is it fair to dredge up their old stuff?

What if someone dredged up my old blog? Is it even still out there? I have very faint memories of the thing - I think it was mostly pictures of my cats. Come to think of it, there are few things more embarrassing than having a blog about your cats.


I have decided that, if I start this blog, I won't link to the dead blogs. I think I have decided that. Sigh. This is all pretty moot considering I will probably be the sole audience for this blog. But maybe, one day, after this blog dies, someone will resurrect a part of it and it will become famous blog-post-humously.


Until then:

November 4, 2010

here's a post specially dedicated to you.

a straightforward declaration of anger
would have been sufficient,
thank you.

it definitely hurts less than your judging.

and don't try to sugarcoat it up.
that just makes it equivalent to you smiling sweetly

while shoving a knife into my gut.